The end of a friendship isn’t discussed as much as romantic breakups. The latter is more defined. Even if the partners stay friends, there’s a strong sense of finality. Friends can have dramatic breakups too, but they mostly happen slowly and almost accidentally. Sometimes it’s a “death by a thousand cuts” as small insults go unresolved, resentment grows, and the friendship sours. And sometimes there are no problems at all, but the friends (or one of the friends) stop investing time and energy. It’s difficult to admit a bond has dried up, and many people try to keep it somewhat watered, just to say it’s still alive. But in many cases, the best path is to say goodbye and focus your attention on more fulfilling connections.
When to end a drifting friendship
It’s hard to know if a one-sided friendship is over because the friend will rarely confess they aren’t invested anymore. Instead, they show disinterest in subtle ways, intentionally or not. “There is a gradual or sometimes not-so-gradual withdrawal of effort and initiative,” said Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, to Business Insider. “The signs can vary, but what tends to be universal is this notable shift in pattern.”
One of the most prevalent signs is that they don’t initiate contact as much as they used to, or they’ve stopped entirely. The second is that they don’t invest emotionally. They won’t open up about their life even when asked, and keep conversations on shallow topics. On the flipside, they don’t ask many personal questions. As a result, there’s less vulnerability and opportunity for connection. “Deep connections require trust,” said psychotherapist and author Gina Handley Schmitt, LMHC, to WebMD. “And trust requires honesty.”
Observe how you feel during and after interacting with them. A healthy friendship should make you feel safe, supported, and good about yourself. However, an unbalanced friendship could make you feel rejected, inadequate, and worried about offending them. More than anything, you may feel lonely. The friend may not provide the same comfort and sense of belonging as before, leaving you feeling neglected. After spending time with them, you may feel irritated, negative, exhausted, or like you have wasted your time. It can be draining to put emotional energy into a friendship and get nothing in return. It may even hurt your self-esteem.
The end of a friendship or a renewal?
Sometimes a friend checks out of a relationship because they are overwhelmed with their life. They want the friendship to continue, but they are in a period where they can’t invest as much as before. They could be busy with a new baby, moving cities, suffering from depression or burnout, grieving a loved one, or dealing with an issue you don’t know about. That’s why Kirmayer always encourages open and honest conversations. Instead of assuming they don’t care, express that you feel distant and ask if they are okay. Focus on how you feel instead of accusing them of malicious intent. They may open up about their struggles and reassure you that they value the relationship.
Discuss ways to change up your interactions. Maybe they don’t enjoy texting or phone calls, so make plans to visit in person. If they keep canceling dinner plans because they are exhausted after work, try meeting for breakfast. If they are busy (and you are probably too), incorporate each other into your schedule. For example, you can become gym buddies, have coffee then go grocery shopping, take kids to the park together, or take art classes. Don’t assume they know what you need, whether it’s advice, a shoulder to cry on, a distraction, or some company. It may be awkward to ask directly, but it helps them be a better friend to you.
Coping with friendship loss
It takes two to keep a friendship alive. Sometimes they aren’t meant to last, even between two caring people with the best intentions. Think of the Marie Kondo method, where you ask yourself if an object sparks joy. If it doesn’t, it’s time to thank it for its service and move on. Ending a friendship doesn’t dismiss all of the meaning, joy, and fulfillment you once got from it. Friends enter our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, as Brian A. Chalker says. The length doesn’t take away the growth and purpose it gave you.
If a friend continues to be evasive even after explaining how you feel, tell them you will no longer hold up the friendship. Say you care about them, but the rejection is hurtful, and you can no longer waste energy and emotions. Then stop reaching out. They may contact you to make amends and you can give them another chance if you want. But don’t chase after them; let them take initiative. Meanwhile, get support from loved ones. Losing a friend is like a breakup, and both feel like a loss even if you chose to end it. Spend time with people who make you feel loved, supported, and valued. If you’re struggling to cope, consider speaking to a therapist to work through your feelings and create healthier boundaries, recommends Healthline.
Not worse, just different
It’s important to note that friendships can become more distant, but that doesn’t mean they are dying. Sometimes they just change, and that’s okay. As long as the friends feel connected, care about each other, and put in effort, the rapport should be treasured, even if they aren’t as close as they used to be. And the closeness may fluctuate as they go through different phases of life, but if there’s a strong foundation and genuine care, they can always make it back.
Read More: Why Highly Intelligent People Find Less Satisfaction in Friendships: A Surprising Explanation